Halfpolak

The States, Part 2

In an ongoing effort to both educate and inform anyone who happens to read this blog, I proudly present Part 2 on the 55 US States:

State #2

Full Name: New Hampshire

Map of New Hampshire.

Original State Name: New and Improved Hampshire. Now with 50% MORE Hampshire!
Origins of the name New Hampshire: "New" from the English word meaning "New" and "Hampshire" from the English word meaning "boring place to live"
Official State Seal: Harry

Major Imports: New Hampshires
Major Exports: Old Hampshires
Became a State: 33 AD
Number of US Senators: 5
Capitol: Concord

The name for the capitol of New Hampshire was shamelessly stolen from the people who make jets.

Motto: "Live Free or Die"
Official State Prision Population: 0
Official State Prision Fact: In New Hampshire, the sentence for being sentenced to jail (for any crime) is death by stoning.
Major Tourist Attraction (Pre-2003): The "Old Man of the Mountain" Mountain.

"Old Man of the Mountain" Mountain - the mountain just naturally looked like this!

Interesting Fact: In 2003, The "Old Man of the Mountain"
got bored with New Hampshire and moved. His new residence has yet to be located.

"Old Man of the Mountain" Mountain is now known as "Mountain" Mountain.

Official State Fish: Carp
Official State Sport: Bingo
Official State Mental Illness: Bi-Polar Disorder
Famous People From New Hampshire: Jesus Christ, Socrates and the Queen of England
Interesting Fact: New Hampshire may or may not be a real state. I know this for a fact because I've never been there.
State Famous For: Their delicious New Hampshire Primaries.
Official State Allergies: Eggplant, tomatoes, cats and latex.
Fast Fact: The Bible was first written in New Hampshire, as a joke, by a guy named Fred.
Surreal Fact: New Hampshire invented the saying "working hard or hardly working?"
Fact: People who use that saying should be tortured to death.

Well, that concludes this lession on New Hampshire. After spending the past three days looking for anything interesting to write about New Hampshire, I have concluded that New Hampshire is a very boring state. If you happen to live in New Hampshire, I'm sorry, but you really should move. In the next episode, Vermont gets a sex change...

The States, Part 1

I've always been interested in geography. When I was
in school, I always thought that there was a lot they weren't teaching us about the 50 US States. I've done
some research on my own and I have discovered that there is a lot of relevant stuff that my teachers always left out. Therefore, I have decided to take a closer look at all 50 US states. I decided to start alphabetically, so without further hesitation, I present:

State #1
Name: Maine
Location: Maine

Map of Maine - Maine has ample closet space!

Full Name: Mainly
Nickname: The Mainester
Named after: Bob Maine
Sex: Male
State Dog: Cujo
State Capitol: None
Largest City: Poland

State Motto: "We are Maine, Bitch!"
State's Most Popular Tourist Destination: Canada
State Song: Theme from Chico and the Man
Current President of Maine: Rutherford Hayes

Rutherford Hayes - Maine State President

Current King of Maine: Stephen

HRH, His Majesty, Duke of Maine, Dutchess of Maine - Stephen King

Current Vice Prime Minister of Maine: None (what a stupid question)
Relationship Status: In a relationship
Population: 85 (I found this out after I looked up some random guy named Jim on MySpace. I don't know him, but his profile says he lives in Maine. I e-mailed him, but he hasn't responded, yet. However, he has 85 friends on MySpace so logic dictates that 85 people must be the population of Maine)
Official State Flag: 100% Cotton, Machine Wash on Cold, Made in Taiwan
Official State Language: Aramaic
Officially Born: 11-26-85 (21 this year, baby!)
Official Government: Parlimentary

A lawmaker in Maine - not to be confused with a Poodle.

Major Exports: Stephen King books
Major Imports: Canadian money

Quack

Official State Car Name: Christine
Official Average Income: Lots
Official Eyes: Green
Official State Atmosphere: 33.3% Ground, 33.3% Oxygen, 33.3% Sky
Children: None
Official State Religion: Sunni
Official State Flower: White Pine Cone and Tassels (which
also happens to be the ingredients to my favorite
Fraternity Prank)
Official Fast Fact: No Hawiians live in Maine

Sorry Don - No Ho's allowed in Maine!

Official Fun Fact: Maine is the home of the NFL's Poland
Trailblazers.

Little Known Fact: Maine is about the same size as
China (see maps below)

Maine (left) is slightly larger than China (right) and China is much fatter than the stupid black line I drew (center)

Well, that's it! Hope you learned something (I know I did). Come back tomorrow to learn more about the next state!

I have a doctor degree in everything

While I wasn't blogging, I obtained a doctor degree in Doctorology (my speciality is everything) from the prestigious Pendleton Online University. I am now qualified to answer any and all questions relating to physical, sexual and mental health, spiritual matters, children and families, political matters, manners, etiquette, all 6 Marx Brothers (Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Karl, Gummo and Zeppo) , Real Estate, Crime Scene Investigations, Law and Order, celebrity gossip, astrology, sports and anything else you may be curious about (except for business because I still don't understand that shit). I provide this service to anyone who reads this blog and it is completely free! I am doing this because I know everything. Anyway, the first question comes to us from someone who lives somewhere:

Dear Dr. HalfPolak,
I have a 5 month old baby boy named Quentin Tarantino Smith. He's the most adorable baby in the world. Our baby hasn't waken up in a week. Aside from sleeping all the time, he is blue, stiff and smells bad (even after I change his diapers which are always empty now). Is this a serious problem? How much longer should I wait until I take him to a pediatrician? I'm starting to get worried that something is wrong with him. What do you advise?

Thank you,
Parent

Dear Parent,
I, being a doctor of everything, encounter this question more often then you might imagine. To put your mind at ease, I have to say that no, this is not a serious problem. My advice to you is the same advice I give to all new parents who worry about the smallest things: there is nothing wrong with your baby. He's perfectly healthy! My diagnosis is young Quentin Tarantino has a slight cases of SIDS which, in Doctorland, is just a fancy way of saying "hibernation". The SIDS will clear up and your child will wake up rested and refreshed in the spring. Until then you might want to remove his top and put a white hat and white pants on him. With his natural blue color, you can tell visiting friends and relatives that he is a Smurf (Jokey was always my favorite -- explosives always make the best presents!). If the smell gets too bad, keep him in the garage or basement (if you have one). Trust me, you won't disturb his rest by moving him. Now, relax and enjoy your extra free time. Thanks for writing!

--Dr. HalfPolak

Now, keep those questions coming!

Ignoring this blog

Wow, I haven't written on my blog in a year! I don't have a reason for not writing other than my colossal laziness. However, I want to start writing again because I have been really bored. Over the past year, not a lot has changed for me. My husband and I decided to try for a baby. We don't have one nor are we expecting one yet. My husband decided he wants to be a father, to have someone to carry on his family name and to be responsible for and loving to another human life. I want to be a mother because

I want a smoking buddy. I'm tired of smoking alone and if we have a kid now, I can teach the baby to smoke while he/she is still young (like, pre-school age). I only believe in having children if the child is going to be advanced for his/her age!

Now, what else. Oh yeah, our car broke down and I now have to take the bus again. I love the bus. I always learn interesting things on the bus. Just the other day, I was sitting in front of an obvious food critic. As an American, I don't support eavesdropping (except, of course, if it is being done to Americans with darker skin). However, I was in luck because this person happened to have darker skin, thus making it excusable for me to listen in on her private conversation. Anyway, from this food critic I learned that the worst food in town is served at:

the country jail. DAMN IT! Now I don't want to go to jail, EVER! I always believed that the "bright side" of going to jail was the food, but now I know otherwise (the bright side of going to jail is obviously the bright, shiny, convenient sink/toilet combo as seen in the photo above). Anyway, the moral of the story is: if you are looking for fine cuisine, don't stop at your local jail.

My life hasn't changed very much other than those things. I did get my first gun. As an American, I decided to take advantage of my second amendment rights. Plus, I needed a weapon to kill someone with and no one would sell me a real gun once I explained my situation to them ("They look like fun to play with and I need it to kill someone") so I had to steal a gun. When I broke into the store, I had two options:

the first, a spear gun. The second option:

a caulk gun. Since the person I was going to kill was not in the water, I figured it would be stupid to use a spear gun and choose the caulking gun instead. Sadly, the person I wanted to kill didn't show up, even after I sent a very nice, personalized, hand-stenciled invitation to that person:

The invitation I made. Or, as the uptight prosecutor referred to it, "People's Exhibit GG".

Oh well, perhaps the caulk gun will come in handy someday, like if my baby doesn't want to smoke! Well, I'm going to try and keep up with this blog more from now on.